I am a new creation with a new heart, a new mind, and a renewed spirit.

I always had this joke between me and myself that even before I was born, I wanted to die. See, I was born via an emergency C-section because my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, suffocating me. My first and certainly not last, suicide attempt.

For as long as I can remember, I was sad. As a child, I vividly recall waiting at the end of the driveway for the bus to come, hyping myself up to “put on my happy face”. In undergrad, I was clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder and forced to take medication under the threat of being committed. Shout out to those psychiatrists, totally helped (please feel my sarcasm).

I would get drunk just to feel some semblance of happiness, to numb the deep sadness, to quiet the thoughts of suicide. Just for those thoughts to come rushing back in the morning, accompanied by anxiety, shame, regret and confusion.

I would go to bed each night hoping for a silent death in my sleep. Only to wake up each morning full of anger for existing another day. I would call out to God, begging for death, begging for a coma, begging for amnesia, anything to take the pain away.

I spent my entire adult life searching for God, searching for meaning, searching for peace, searching for happiness. I tried everything from Buddhism to New Age practices. Nothing gave lasting relief from the torment I was experiencing every day of my life.

In 2023, one comment changed everything. “You’ve tried everything but Jesus”. It hit hard because it was true. And so I did, I finally gave Jesus a try. I opened my heart and a Bible, I asked God to reveal himself to me, to give me understanding, and he did. He spoke to me and gave me revelation of his word, he comforted me and was with me; he wiped my tears and held my hand.

In February 2024, I went to church. At the end of the service, I repeated the words the pastor spoke and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

Then my miracle came.

I frequently had nightmares, I’m talking screaming in my sleep nightmares, terrifying, shaking in my boots, nightmares. Typically, I am shaken awake or I scream myself awake, however, on this occasion, as I was being attacked, I saw a blinding white light (yes, blinding even in my sleep) I heard static as if a radio was being tuned, and then finally I heard the words “the love of God” and I was showered with the greatest love I had ever felt in my life. I woke up in shock, I ran to the kitchen, and tears started flowing as I realized what had just occurred. I had experienced God. I had felt God’s presence, I experienced the love of God and it was glorious.

From that day on, I did not wake up in anger for being alive, but rather with joy in my heart; A joy I had no idea existed. I felt peace in my soul. I truly thought what I felt was normal, until God freed me. He delivered me from depression and put an end to my torment. To this day, I still wake up in awe; I cannot believe the joy I experience each day. I am eternally grateful for this gift, this miracle from the Lord!